TNDG DAY 8???

[keybroad]

((SEVERE CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal ideation, survivor's guilt, telling someone they should commit suicide, it's all very bad.))

[Lotus is kneeling on the bed, wearing a white Star Trek miniskirt uniform barely held together by a chunky teal belt, crying.]

Stupid... Stop...

[Her shoulders shake. She's sobbing a ridiculous amount, even her expression isn't entirely sad at this point, just exasperated as she tries to get more air and stem the flow of all these tears before Ene gets here.]

Shouldn't have come back here...

Comments

[digiteyesed]

Gee! Maybe you'd know if you ever talked to me! Maybe if you made any attempt to understand me at all, or what I want out of this, then we might get somewhere. But no, you just make your wild assumptions and then tell me I'm the bitch for not dying on your schedule.

[jinglebros]

[ Santa has been told to show up so showing up is what he is doing. Finding the two of them arguing and in emotional straits is not what he expected at all. ]

The fuck is going on here?

[keybroad]

Hey, I'm trying to understand you and fix this now, that's more than anyone else in the "tai chi club" has been doing!

[Turning to Santa, her hair swishing.]

Santa! There you are! Tell Ene you made us all think that she wanted to die in the third voting round!

[digiteyesed]

[Slowly turns her head towards Santa.] For the record Santa, I think your friend is crazy. And also either suffering from survivors guilt and suicidal thoughts, or else just trying really hard to guilt trip me into dying sooner. Either way I think someone who actually cares should talk to her about that.

[jinglebros]

She's not crazy, but she does have survivor's guilt. You have no idea what she's going through. [ Santa grits his teeth. ]

[keybroad]

Hey, I don't have to be "going through" things, don't try to make her feel bad or something. It won't even work, anyway. I'm fine. I am trying to make rational decisions here. I just... [looks at Ene, exhausted, not sure how to put it] ...have not had the information to make the most rational decisions every single time.

So. Santa. Tell her how it was. How we all thought she wanted to receive zero votes in the third round, and how we thought asking for a vote was proof that she broke her promise.

[digiteyesed]

Haha, wow, I didn't promise you a thing. Stop treating my life like it's yours.

[jinglebros]

[ Santa frowns and tries to sort this out in his mind. He holds up a hand to his head for a moment as he thinks, then looks at Ene. ]

You told me you wanted to die in the third round, and told me to communicate this to them and ask for help. You then asked for votes. The group came to the conclusion that you were going against what you wanted.

Was there a misunderstanding along the way?

[ He speaks carefully, without swearing at all. He's trying not to aggravate the situation further. ]

[keybroad]

Yes.

[The veins in her neck protrude with the effort of keeping that word even. She's thinking, her computer programming mind working through the dependencies, and landing on something.]

If I had to guess the exact moment that a misunderstanding occurred, it would be when someone said the word "wait". Which was interpreted either as "do not take any further drastic action, like public or anything, unless I tell you to do it" or "dying during the third round is not going to happen at all".

[digiteyesed]

[S I G H S, this is fucking. Wow. She can absolutely see where it went wrong and understand, but it still hurts that Santa assumed she was lying to them.

But then she also feels like, why do they assume it is a lie and not that she changed her mind??? People are allowed to decide to want to live after they say they'll die, it's not wrong if someone wants to live? Everyone should want to live or something is very bad??? Maybe she'll lecture them on that when this is all cleared up.]

Yes, that would be the miscommunication. You told me you guys would organise something. I figured, maybe you knew someone that wanted to leave, or one of you was going to, since, you know, there are six of you. You can't all win. You told me you'd keep me updated, and nobody has said a word to me since. So I was waiting for the update.

[jinglebros]

Okay. That's the miscommunication.

For the record, I had no personal idea what to think. I was being told you were manipulating me on one end, and being told you were mixed up through the other ear. I've been manipulated like fuck by a ton of people, so I believe the worst out of everyone, but I want to believe the best out of you. You're special like that. That's the only reason why I wanted to help you in the first place!

[keybroad]

[Staring at Santa as he gets a little more worked up about this. A little surprised; his view of Ene as "special" is apparently new information. Not to mention she's somewhat skeptical that Ene will buy it after everything they did, but Lotus can't make him unsay it. She just stands there for a second and then turns to Ene.]

There are six of us now, and we can't all win. Which is really frightening to me personally. That's another conversation, but trust me, I am entirely aware of that. So when I heard all this stuff about you... I talked a big game at first about how I shouldn't accept it, but in the end I was selfish. I got really entitled. I thought... it works out for me. Which was... [this is the part where you apologize, Lotus] ...kind of morally wrong.

[digiteyesed]

[This is honestly really upsetting and she wants to leave right now immediately and go scream and punch something, but she bites it back. She can do this. What, like this is the first time a friend hasn't believed in you or you felt betrayed? Ha! This is nothing! ENOMOTO TAKANE LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF THIS CHILD'S PLAY BETRAYAL OF TRUST.] Ah~ Whatever, you know? I guess this was too much pressure on you guys, my bad! Don't worry, I'll take care of it all next round myself, okay?

[jinglebros]

I was going to tell you to do that anyway. It's upsetting to ask me to look like a monster in front of everyone and ask them not to vote for you. You can't ask anyone to do that. You've got to do this yourself. I can support you, but I can't ask people to kill you.

[keybroad]

Okay, wait, I'm not saying you're wrong about the drawbacks of the situation you were in, Santa-- [Her mouth isn't. With her eyes, Lotus is kind of saying he's wrong. It is really upsetting but Ene is the one who would be actually dying here?] but I thought a big reason is that certain people would just vote for Ene anyway, right? [SIGH.] So, look, Ene, I want it to be really clear what "take care of it" means. [IT'S A MILLION TIMES VAGUER THAN WAIT, THE AMBIGUITY OF WHICH WAS ALREADY DRASTICALLY UNDERESTIMATED...] Does it mean all this is gonna go down the fifth round and nobody is going to vote for you and if Snake or Jumpei or whoever gets the wrong idea about trading I'll slap them straight? [It could mean A LOT OF THINGS... maybe Lotus does not deserve to know at this point]

[digiteyesed]

[Oh gross she's agreeing with Lotus.] The plan always relied on it being clear that this is my choice, and a necessity if people were going to survive this place. I just needed to obscure who was voting for me so that nobody would pay attention on the list. The point was to be sneaky, not have you make a big announcement. There's no way I'd let you look like a villain, I would have made it clear on the broadcast why I chose this. But now we have the hotel pass. So I'm planning to try for that next vote. And yeah, nobody vote for me.

[jinglebros]

[ Well, he still agrees with the person who said he'd look like a monster, probably because he trusts that person more. But regardless. ]

Good. Hotel pass is a good plan.

[keybroad]

[Raising hand.]

So are you going to be throwing the challenges to get into the zero voter category? Should we be not helping you with them? Or do you mean, "hope someone else earns a hotel pass and uses it on me"?

[digiteyesed]

The first one.

[jinglebros]

Fine. Good.

[ Santa is stiff at this point. He has no idea what to say anymore. ]

[keybroad]

[Lotus doesn't so much smile as just... partially lose the grimace of the muscles in her face. It has been a long night. There is so much tension in her shoulders. Her chakras are all out of whack.]

Understood. Thank you for letting me know. Us know.

[digiteyesed]

Aah, well if that's all I'll get going. Just so you know, if the competition happens to be fun, I'll play and help others, but I won't turn anything in. [Heading towards the door, but then stopping one last time] By the way, I still haven't managed to find Snake about our deal. If you see him, tell him to hurry up and find me, or I'll have to vote without him.