TNDG Day 9

[keybroad]

Severe content warning: If you said no on the permissions post DO NOT READ THIS LOG. It's worse once I wrote it than the permissions post made it sound. Content warning for alcohol abuse, extremely explicit suicidal ideation, basically saying someone should die possibly through suicide, wrist trauma, domestic issues, a brief mention of abortion that did not happen, and of all things a moderately severe spoiler for Zero Time Dilemma. What follows is a summary for people who would like to be aware of what happened. If you do not want to see a summary before the content, please skip to the content by clicking here.

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Lotus brings a glass of absinthe into the sci-fi set, where Santa is recovering from his hangover. Though she is just setting up a shrine for Katou, Santa ties these actions into an overall pattern of recklessness. He gets Lotus to apologize for inviting him and Ene to the same place at the same time without proper warning.

Santa's awkward supportive pauses count: 1. (End of page 1.)

Lotus: Hey. Do you know if Clover and Snake feel the same way about the hotel as you do?
Santa: Probably not.
Lotus: Oh, that's really good news. Now maybe I can live.

Lotus goes into a lot of detail about the feasibility of this plan and the unlikeliness of her survival if anything else happens, but Santa zeroes in on that part about how she saw her own death as very likely. Santa offers to try and protect her life if she tries and protects "Corrin's chances of going to the final five". Lotus refuses because "Lotus does not die" is less difficult than that. Instead she offers the equivalent trade that Santa protects Rohan's chances of going to the final five. The contract is sealed.

Santa's awkward supportive pauses count: 2.

When Lotus lifts her wrists into the light, Santa finally asks her "Are you thinking, even a little bit, of doing something like Ene wants to do." Lotus equivocates by pointing out that "like Ene" means a lot of things. (End of page 2.) Santa shifts the goal posts to "like me", confiding that when he believed June was dead, he was ready to die of suicide, until he discovered she was still alive in this universe. Lotus is very distracted and has to learn that unlike herself being from the True End timeline where June is alive, Santa and June both come from a different timeline where she died. Lotus is more ready to believe that June remembers dying because of Ayato Naoi's testimony, which she had initially dismissed as psychotic. She admits this is derailing and finally admits she knows almost exactly how Santa felt.

This is the climax. Lotus explains that during the nine days her two daughters had been kidnapped, she seriously considered suicide, mainly hesitant because of worldly obligations and the possibility that they'd come back alive. When they had survived, Lotus had to not commit suicide and emotionally support her children. Therefore, when she wants to spend money and make herself feel better, instead of taking time away from her children, she buys herself gold jewelry.

Santa silently compares this to the way his own biological mother committed suicide, and he says Lotus is a good mom, making her cry. Lotus gets tsundere and redirects them to the game, where the number of lives to save is actually limited. Santa acknowledges that he shouldn't impose his pessimistic view of the hotel onto Lotus and comes to a shared conclusion of optimism about the plan of sending Snake and Clover to the hotel: "I'll choose to trust you that the hotel isn't death for them if you choose to trust me that death isn't the right choice for you." They shake hands and agree to support each other through the future, which will "not be pretty". Lotus will stop Santa from drinking. (End of page 3.)

Santa's awkward supportive pauses count: 3.

Lotus: You know... by protecting Rohan, you really made choosing life a lot easier.
Santa: Why is he so important to you, anyway?

Similar to Santa and Kyrie's relationship, Lotus admits that she sees Rohan as the son she never had. They talk about Rohan's good traits, like not murdering Okuyasu. (Santa silently wonders if this is why Lotus wants to send away Clover and Snake.) Lotus and Rohan just connected right away similar to Santa or Corrin, or Lotus and the Ushiromiyas, which leads Santa to question whether she's "into one of them". Lotus says no very loudly, because she thinks she is not.

Santa points out that it's for the best because romance in these games is ill-fated and ends up insinuating that Seven liked Lotus. (End of page 4.) This touches Lotus, and she shows him Rohan's tattoo of a seven-headed dragon, hiding her other tattoo of a rose because that would make Santa think she is into a specific Ushiromiya, which she thinks she is not. Santa confides how much the attempt at escaping hurt him due to his bond with Seven, and Lotus says, "I refuse to put Seven with us in the bad parent corner for unintentionally abandoning Aoi-kun". Santa admits that Lotus used to be his least favorite due to Seven's interest in her, but now she is not, so she can call him Aoi all she wants. (End of page 5.) "Someone finally gives Hacchan a little credit! Thank you!" They talk about the other "tai chi club members", and Lotus thinks about working with June.

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[Lotus wakes up in the morning, leaves the sci-fi set to take a shower, and still wearing a bathrobe while her hair is down, goes into the bar. She fills a brightly red-and-black checkered glass with absinthe and takes it back to her bedside table.]

Comments

[keybroad]

[She realizes it must be really frightening to have lost this way of assuring that outcome he must desire with his entire body. Her brow furrows as the spark finally lights up in her eyes.]

...there's someone I do not want to die who wouldn't accept the usage of a hotel pass on him. Rohan Kishibe. In other words, "I protect Corrin and you protect Rohan" is an equivalent exchange.

[jinglebros]

[ Santa frowns. It's an even trade but he doesn't like it. But he doesn't have to like it. ]

Fine. I'll protect him, you protect Corrin. I don't know if I'll always have the votes for him, but I'll do my best to sway, and you'll do the same. Right?

[keybroad]

Yes.

[She nods. Making an elaborate fake Catholic gesture.]

Then the contract is sealed.

[jinglebros]

Good.

[ Santa nods, then thinks about last night, thinks about how much of a mess she was. ]

...

[keybroad]

[Well, Lotus is not a mess anymore! She's gotten her hair all pinned up! Granted, her makeup isn't on yet, but that just means she can't have a dark black layer of liquid all over her skin. She will be going to the dressing room soon and then get makeup in addition to clothes.

In the silence, she begins putting on her bracelets. She raises her arms so her bathrobe's wide sleeves fall down, and then she starts slipping the bracelets down. With particular care, her nails point out her veins in the light.]

[jinglebros]

[ A shock goes down Santa's spine as he watches her and something occurs to him. ]

I have a question. [ He says, very carefully. ] And if we're going to have a deal, I want you to answer me very truthfully. Okay?

[keybroad]

[She freezes as soon as she hears his voice again. Without turning to look him in the eye, she says:]

What is it.

[jinglebros]

Are you thinking, even a little bit, of doing something like Ene wants to do.

[keybroad]

[With cynically broad vowels that make it very obvious she isn't actually conveying the information Santa hopes to hear:]

I'm not thinking of doing something stupid.

[jinglebros]

Why am I not sure I believe you?

[keybroad]

I don't know why! You believe in my intelligence and loyalty, right?

[The last of the bracelets is on now and she looks at Santa doe-eyed.]

[jinglebros]

Do you believe in mine?

[keybroad]

...

Okay. Fine. If you want me to show you more respect, I'll need a more rigorous definition of "like Ene".

[jinglebros]

Sorry, sorry. That was horrible and I realize it now.

[ He sighs. ]

How about like me? I came here and nearly offed myself because June was dead. The only thing that stopped me was finding her again. Are you thinking of doing that over something or someone?

[keybroad]

[First she flinches; he's clearly onto her. Then, very confused, leaning forward:]

But... June's alive.

[jinglebros]

Maybe for you.

[ Santa winces. At least there's confirmation on that. ]

We sorted this out on day one. Most of you are from a different timeline than us. Don't ask how it fucking works, only June could really tell you.

[keybroad]

Wait, I'll certainly believe you that in your alternate timeline June died, but "most of you" versus "us"? Who else is "us"?

[jinglebros]

June and me. If anyone else is from our timeline, I haven't figured it out yet. You're certainly not.

[keybroad]

But you just said June in your timeline is... dead. The June here isn't just the June from an alternate timeline, such as mine, who isn't dead?

Look, let me be clear that I think it is very sad that she is dead, I just usually hear "dead" and imagine something pretty different from the way we see June right now. Which... I guess you were also imagining, which is why you were so worried when you first got here before you saw her, and I also feel bad for you about that, I guess? [SHE IS TRYING TO KEEP UP]

[jinglebros]

We have no idea why she's here. That's the scary part of this game. She's supposed to be dead. She remembers dying. And yet, she's here.

What the hell's up with that? What does that imply about this game?

[ Timeline fuckery, of course, but he's not explaining that. ]

[keybroad]

[Stare...........................................]

You know, she's not the only person who's been here under those circumstances. Naoi-kun said the same thing. Actually, he said he'd died, then gone to purgatory, then he was supposed to be ascending from purgatory because of finally achieving nirvana, and then at that point he was here.

Honestly, at the time I thought he was just psychotic. [In the sense of "believes things that are not true" rather than any other inaccurate derogatory sense.]

[jinglebros]

What, really?

[ Blink, blink, blink. ]

That's really fucking scary, actually.

[keybroad]

Yeah, he was very specific about it. If he really was delusional, it wasn't just hearing voices you know shouldn't be there once in a while, it was so bad that he wouldn't be able to fit into normal society, affected his views of other people. And that's why Naoi was all, "I'm just glad it's over now and not later." When I first saw the shadows I thought it might be a trick to make the death look fake, but Katou very obviously was murdered for real, so now it comes off as a metaphor for the oblivion of the afterlife.

[She remembers exactly what he said? That's fucking morbid.]

...look. We can't operate on the assumption that we're all already dead, or that none of us are going to stay dead, or that we can go back to an alternate timeline where nobody had to die in this game, or whatever. That's a theoretical question with serious strategic consequences way outside the scope of this conversation.

Besides. It's not like I don't know almost exactly how you feel.

[jinglebros]

Do you? Then tell me about it.

[ He leans forward, keeping his eyes focused on her, gaze unwavering. ]

[keybroad]

Nine years ago...

[She fusses with her bracelets.]

You know what happened. This wunderkind [she taps the braille tattoo on her leg] and this angel [she taps the tattoo on her right leg] were in a vulnerable position, maybe because I couldn't stay at home, without Ichiro in the picture. Both at once... I hadn't taught them well enough how to protect one another, I couldn't even protect one daughter! I couldn't be there for either one while she recovered from the pain of her sister's suffering. It lasted for nine days... God, that's almost less time than we've been here, you know? The real world is really different, there's more bureaucracy. It wasn't like I'd help anyone, I'd be letting people down. There was stuff to do first. Possessions. Food that would rot in the fridge. Rent, money matters. And of course I didn't know for sure, and if I were wrong that would be the absolute worst case scenario. But I thought about it a lot.

As you know, thanks to Seven, both of my sweethearts came back. And then obviously I had to not do it. Which was... not exactly effortless. I had to go straight from bumming around to momming them harder than ever. I couldn't go out to relax and leave my traumatized little girls alone, that's what got them into this mess in the first place. I had to be the adult and make them feel better. There was no adult to make me feel better. [With an idol's chipperness, brightening up and staying that way for the rest of the speech:] I'm my own adult~!

So instead, as soon as I could afford it, I invested in these babies. [She lifts up both the bangles, holds them together like handcuffs.] They don't just go with the belly dancing outfit, you know. Then whenever I was busy and wanted a break, I would look at my reflection in these instead. I invest in jewelry pretty much whenever I feel like complete shit, to remind myself that I am in fact beautiful and worth it. That's why I have so much. Because my strengths and weaknesses are pretty unevenly distributed.